Inspiration

I was looking for some inspiration lately, something to write about but there is nothing I can say or maybe nothing I really want to talk about. Nothing much has changed really. Tried to quit my job with no success. Every time I try to quit they find a way to make me doubt myself and stay. My diet didn’t last long either. I eat like I’m trying to fill a hole that is definitely not hunger. I keep trying to change something , maybe even trying to change myself, but everything seams strangely the same. When someone breaks you heart, when you lose something special, when someone dies, the world doesn’t care. The sun will still rise again tomorrow and the earth will keep rotating like it always did. The world stops for no one, even when you think the world is over for you.
I’ve been trying to be very cautious. Slow baby steps if you will. Maybe I’m making a big mistake by letting something good pass me by but I’m scared. Maybe I’m just not ready, but mostly scared to have my heart disappointed again. I rather take my caution and stay behind and admire from afar. If you truly love someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy....even if its not with you. I’m far beyond repair so maybe the best thing for me to do is step back and let others be happy.
I know life’s not perfect so I’m trying to look beyond all the bad shit and stay positive. I have a new outlook this year, even when shit is falling apart around be I refuse to lay down in defeat. I’m determined to move along with the flow just to get thru the day with some hope . I know most day I fake it but I’m determine to fake it till I make it. I recently joined the gym and I’m gonna work that into my dull existence till I get used to that being a part of my daily routine. I got a nook so I’ve been reading more often, a good distraction you could say. Although the books I choose to read pick at my unhealed wounds a little. I’ve always been a little masochistic and that still hasn’t change. I still find a way to have my heart beating 10000 mph. I could always find a ways to indulge myself but I always know it will always end up hurting me, painful pleasure it you will.
I refuse to hate because that word had never been in my vocabulary and I refuse to regret because how can you regret something that once made you soo happy. I now only believe in going forward and hoping time would make it easier to breathe and move on. No point in looking back with all the pointless what if’s. No matter what happens now what’s done is done and what’s said is said. Nothing will ever change the past all you can do is except it and keep on moving forward………
　
One baby step at a time,

Weezy

xoxox

AFTER THE STORM!

I've been up and down and upside down for so long that now that I'm standing straight I can't tell the difference. I'm out of the water but I still can't breathe. Everything is broken in pieces but it was never whole in the first place. The tears used to fall on the outside and now they fall within. Everything is in its place, nothing is missing but nothing seems right. I was hanging on a noose tiptoeing on hope but that was pulled from under me. I used to have nothing and now I have less. You want to disappear but the spot light is on you so you cant even hide. The mask is on, so from the outside the structure seems whole but inside there is nothing but chaos. Sometimes I still feel caught up in the storm like a phantom pain that lingers from the past. Afraid to move cuz you'll fall. Afraid to yell because nothing might come out. Afraid of the memories that haunt you, but terrified to lose them because that's all you've got now. I hold my breath because I’m afraid you’ll see my heart pounding thru my chest. Afraid to lose composure and breakdown. Time is no longer relevant, because you're stuck in the hands of time. The ride stopped but I keep spinning. So what can you say or what can you do when its all said and done? Its my fault for jumping into a whirlpool with nothing to old on to. The after effect are still going on so every wind knocks me back down. So many people around but I'm still alone. Something that I once seemed so sure to lose is now finally gone. There is nothing else to fear when everything you feared finally came true. Now that the storm is over I should be at peace but the storm is all I've know and all I've lived.

Patiently waiting for the sunshine after the rain.............

Weezy

Insanities

Lets toast to moving on for a better 2010!

Hmmmm so where to start??? I’m not quite sure what happened or how I got here but something happened then everything started spinning out of control and the next thing you know we’re in 2010! Funny how one thing leads to another and things just go from bad to worse. I’m not one to broadcast my problems nor do I like when people get involve in things that are none of their business, but that’s what I think happened here. Some with good intentions try and help and others get in the way with their own conniving agendas. I know must of us are grown so they don’t need me to tell them what to do or who to see or who to talk to. Must people can come to their own conclusions as to what’s right and wrong, just like people can chose to believe what they want. I don’t want to get into too much details but contrary to believes there is nothing I’ve done that I wouldn’t do again nor anything crazy enough that anyone I know wouldn’t do. Its funny that someone who’s done worse has the audacity to judge me. Trust me I’m not smart enough to break into or hack into anything, nor I’m I that desperate for someone who really after so many years thinks I’m this monster. If a supposed friend was calling me insane than maybe she’s the one with questionable morals. I’m not the one being caught in a web of lies. Someone who’s so oblivious to what’s she’s doing its kinds sad really. I have NOTHING to hide or lie about and It’s true that you never really know someone but there are those people that I would trust with my life and those that I would never give a second chance to. I rather have one person in my life that I can trust with my life than have 200 “friends”. If there’s one thing that 2009 has tough me is to listen to my guts and go with my instinct because nothing is what it seems. I would never go and purposely hurt or lie to someone I cared about. My only sin was maybe caring for someone too much, and I tried to get away and run but you were always the one to bring me back. You were the one that create this “monster” so why blame me for your doing? Why not let me go like I try to do so many times? All I wanted was to be left alone so I can move on. I just want to leave all this stupid nonsense behind and move on. Everyone has their own drama. their own problems, and its always easier to see and solve someone else’s problems, but I’m a grown as woman that can deal with her own issues. Lets be grown ups here cuz I’m not out there talking shit about anyone nor do I go around convincing people you’re the devil. It’s sad that it all had to come to this but now I know who’s who. So lets stop with all the bull shit nonsense and move on. There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with the people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all life is too short to be anything but happy. So lets stop the cruelty and you dont have to believe or agree with me but all i'm asking for is to be left alone. Thanks and have a wonderful life.

Luisa M. Gonzalez